This is in regards to Renee's blog....i totally feel like i haven't accomplished anything but at the same time i have and the age i really feel is well would it be weird to say I've always felt older than i should be. I guess that comes with my positon in my family. Since I'm the middle child no one really pays attention to what i am doing. hence when i got my nose piercing my dad didn't notice till my bro pointed it. I also didn't even get in trouble when my grandparents saw it. So it kinda proves my point. I don't know why it works out that way but i think it helped me become the person i am today. it's taught me what i want and what i don't want. I pondered about this the other day and i notice that i wasn't the person i was 2 yrs ago. i actually like the person i am becoming...I'm still getting use to it but i think I'm turning in to someone who is great for myself that is ..lol...but yes i like growing all i hope is that when i get older, i can influence those who look up to me i can make a great impression for them.
Along with that news...I'm moving back to Sacramento....yes so sad but at the same time i am happy cus i will be saving money. San Jose was great but at the same time putting a hole in my pocket. It was so hard to deal with the way i was living....i would rather just come back home save some money and be able to do whatever i was when i wanted to....people keep telling me that its gonna be different because ill be living back at home with rules...sure there will be but at the same time i know how to work my parents where they can't really get on my case for doing the things i do. I have the upper hand because unlike some people who are living at home i am independent and making my own money. i wont be spending money that is not mine ( my parents) and i have a job and go to school full time so what could i possible do that doesn't justify why i cant have some fun when i do go out or treat myself for whatever reason i may have. after all I'm looking at the bigger picture here saving money to come back out to the bay and being with my family cus as much as they get under my skin sometimes....I LOVE EM'!!!!
Then some good news thas happening in my little bubble of a life, I am officially "talking" to someone i think....well we are just taking it slow and seeing how things work out for us....it feels good. I've been alone for about 3 yrs now and even though there have been guys in and out of my life i think about how i would like to be the person who i come to mind when they think about something. i kinda want to be their #1 and feel special. maybe I'm living in a fairy tale but i know relationships aren't always peachy keen. There are the ups and downs, but it would be really nice to find someone who can deal with me when I'm at my worst and being the biggest BITCH and someone to deal with me when i have moment i want to share whether it be a blonde moment to sharing a A+ on a test...lol...maybe I'm a sucker for love...i mean like....i don't like love I'm not comfortable with that word yet....but i guess i feel this was is because when i look at Renee and AJ it makes me feel so sad that i don't have what they have someone to call their own. You guys don't do much when I'm around but i sure bet that it feels good to share every good or bad moment with each other cus you know at the end of a hard and critical day you have each other to comfortnd support. Another couple i look at is my sister....I'm happy about how everything turned out even if she ran away and what happen happened... i still love her...and i wouldn't want to think about how Cyan would never come into our lives. above that I'm glad that my brother-in-law take great care of them...my sister is so happy and so is he. i can tell that they love each other and i can see that they will make it through whatever obstacle they come across..i want a love like that....i don't think you can truely find something like that without suffering and also suffering makes you see what you have and the greatness that comes out of it....my only hope is that i find someone like that...I've also notice I'm a complicated person too so i don't know who will be up for the challenge.
So yeah i notice this is a long blog and I'm think I'm about to chill i will be back soon....
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Secret Life of a 22-Year-Old
I think it is that time again... to become reflective of the things that have been, and possibly of the things that will become. Yesterday, July 20th, was my birthday. I had opened up this familiar textbox to write a couple of words, but decided to let the day play out it's course before writing anything.
I don't celebrate birthdays. The very nature of recognizing someone on an annual basis is kind of selfish. I believe in being able to show your appreciation for someone everyday of the year. Each day is just as important as any other day, so why should they only receive a present, or a thought of kindness during that ONE day?
A.J.'s mom has been in town the last few days, and she's been such a treat. I really enjoy her company and just her presence is reassuring. The day started off with a fairly reflective question, which I didn't really have to think hard to answer: How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?
I knew before she finished her question. I still feel 18. The year that I decided to grow up and stick up for what I believed in and stand firm with who I was. I was starting to become comfortable with the person I am and was becoming. No one could take that away from me. But then I started to think and I realized that I was always kind of like this, in one incarnation or another, and I think that made me realize just how young I really am.
I still felt as if I had not accomplished or done anything with my life. I mean-- I have, but I haven't. I have this internal list which I haven't ticked much off of yet, however there are many things that I have. These little mental notes which make me spend my time just whittling away or adding to.
Sometimes I feel like just taking my toilet paper of thoughts and putting one end into the toilet and flushing it, until the ream of paper just gets sucked completely away to start anew. Where have I gone in life and where will I be going? Who will still be around, and who will I fall away from. All very good questions, which I suppose only time will tell.
Action and in-actions.
Thoughts and provocations.
I'm ready to roll back my sleeves and dig into this pile and sort through what lays at the bottom. Hopefully I will find something worth searching for.
I don't celebrate birthdays. The very nature of recognizing someone on an annual basis is kind of selfish. I believe in being able to show your appreciation for someone everyday of the year. Each day is just as important as any other day, so why should they only receive a present, or a thought of kindness during that ONE day?
A.J.'s mom has been in town the last few days, and she's been such a treat. I really enjoy her company and just her presence is reassuring. The day started off with a fairly reflective question, which I didn't really have to think hard to answer: How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?
I knew before she finished her question. I still feel 18. The year that I decided to grow up and stick up for what I believed in and stand firm with who I was. I was starting to become comfortable with the person I am and was becoming. No one could take that away from me. But then I started to think and I realized that I was always kind of like this, in one incarnation or another, and I think that made me realize just how young I really am.
I still felt as if I had not accomplished or done anything with my life. I mean-- I have, but I haven't. I have this internal list which I haven't ticked much off of yet, however there are many things that I have. These little mental notes which make me spend my time just whittling away or adding to.
Sometimes I feel like just taking my toilet paper of thoughts and putting one end into the toilet and flushing it, until the ream of paper just gets sucked completely away to start anew. Where have I gone in life and where will I be going? Who will still be around, and who will I fall away from. All very good questions, which I suppose only time will tell.
Action and in-actions.
Thoughts and provocations.
I'm ready to roll back my sleeves and dig into this pile and sort through what lays at the bottom. Hopefully I will find something worth searching for.
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